A little while back, I was in a tough place, and I need to talk about it.
Before anyone panics, I’m physically well, and my doctor at my physical last week said my heart and lungs sound super healthy and strong. There is no concern for me being physically hurt or needing any kind of emergency treatment.
But, I’m now on a low daily dose of anxiety medication after feeling anxious-related tightness in my chest and random muscle aches off and on for several days back in July.
I’m saying this because I don’t know who, if anyone, needs to hear this, but I gotta say: It’s OK to not be OK.
It’s been a hard several months on everyone. Not to be overly vague, but personally there have been plenty of fears, frustration, and tension. Although the physical symptoms came on quickly, my guess it that it was a culmination of many weeks.
We live in our world still dealing with our pandemic (mis)management. The rhetoric from many of our leaders seemed, and still seems at times, no more than illogically wishful thinking. I had fear and concern for the health and well-being of myself and those around me. It was a difficult balance to strike, between living in faith, not allowing fear to consume me, and shaking my head at the flippant dismissal of a worldwide pandemic.
I also don’t have the option of escaping the tensions of our country’s landscape on race relations, social injustice. For people of color, there is no option to turn it off. Even when others use their privilege of leaving the conversation (I mean, is your feed returning to its pre-George Floyd norm? I know mine is.), the conversation continues in the hearts and minds of those seeking change, even if just an internal echo that goes unheard and unanswered. TODAY’S LACK OF JUSTICE FOR BREONNA TAYLOR FURTHER SOLIDIFIES THOSE FRUSTRATIONS.
So those are some things I can’t choose. This is not to say that I’m a mere victim of a situation. I’m trying to take action. I’ve talked with my doctor. I’m choosing to talk about issues, and trying not to take my foot off the pedal.
Yet, ultimately, I think I have to be OK with the fact that I didn’t choose a lot of this stuff. And, a lot of the crap going on for a lot of people is crap they didn’t choose. Our opportunity is not distributed equally from birth. It doesn’t make someone weak or immoral to say, “I am suffering from things that aren’t my fault.” It doesn’t mean they’re not working hard to fight through fears, frustration, tensions, injustices, generational poverty, or whatever else they’ve been dealt.
It does mean we have to keep listening to others and be willing to give up a little bit of our privileged comfort, so others can find more and more glimpses of their own.
I also acknowledge that I’m in many areas of privilege myself. And no matter what our areas of privilege are, it’s OK to still need help. Our advantages do not make us immune to falling into dark places. Do we really think anyone is above stress, anxiety, or even depression?
Finally, I have one thing I could never do anything to earn, yet will be forever mine – my faith and hope in Jesus. We’ve been challenged by our church leadership to ask ourselves, where do our ultimate allegiances lie? If it’s with a political party, or a flag, or a policy, we need to stop and reconsider our priorities. It is from Jesus I’ve received peace and comfort on my path away from anxiety and fear.
Jesus also gives us the ability to explore the scientific forces of this universe and discover better ways to take care of ourselves. Scientifically speaking, whether the medication is helping with my body’s chemistry, or there’s a placebo affect, or just talking about it helped immensely, or some combination of all, my physical effects are gone and I find myself sleeping much more quickly and much more soundly at night.
Folks may ask what you can do to help, which is understandable because we often want to fix things as fast as we can, or take steps to fix problems. Personally though, I just appreciate your prayers and your willingness to listen, and that’s all for now. I promise I’ll speak up if there is further, specific action to help.
I’m so grateful for the abundance of comfort I’m already afforded. Let’s continue to think and pray and support each other in the areas that aren’t so OK. Much love to you all.